Day 27 Charlotte

I am sitting in the sun in a balcony in Montemor-O-Novo thinking about the past five weeks. All and nothing rolled into one. So much talking. I need more time to digest some of the things that are being said. I feel more positive here than in London. Maybe it’s the sun. Maybe it’s the smaller group. Maybe its because last time I was here was with R and J. I thought I would cry much more than I have. I feel detached from all that now.
I am thinking a lot about presence and absence.
I think about letting go
I think about goodbyes.
We leave our lovers to be here.
Economical choices
It is easy not to connect in real time.
Plug in.
Drop out.
Wasted chances. It is better to know very little and judge even less.

V said the other day that it was strange how after 4 weeks together in London people hadn’t touched each other. Usually as dancers you might lean on each other a bit more. It felt insular there. Everyone for themselves.
No physical connections… Unusual for people skilled in using their bodies.

As Scott said - everything (everybody) is basically ok. But there is something in the air now. ‘Something emotionally ungainly’ was happening ion London.

I track my own mood.
I can only stay abstract for so long. I begin to fail and falter
I need clarification / form / structure / leadership.
Is that old fashioned? Nothing seems to take off without leadership.
Is that a lack of confidence?
Have I wasted time?
Have I used this time wisely?
I can’t tell for now. Ill have to wait and see.

Let’s wait and see. This was R’s mantra. I didn’t know what he meant then. I know more now. He has taught me valuable lesson.
I wish he’d stuck around to see my shift of understanding.

V says something about not wanting to dance. S and I have also said the same thing. Are we all at transition points?
I feel quite confused about how I feel about my instinct.

V says – J – you never make a fool out of yourself.
Am I am tiring of technique?

I am developing dyslexia in my writing and my thinking.

Omissions
Seeing up when its down
Stuttering
Halting phrases

Images of our R&D look like FE shows
I am thinking of FE and my marriage and my collaborations with R
I go to their website and have a poke about.
I avoid pictures of R – I try to abstract his face when I look at the site
Wendy’s practice maintains the FE influence in the room – a shared language of operation
Tim’s Questions
What gets lost in the telling / the dancing / the writing?
Genre dominating content - Pick a genre and lean into it – bash against its limits.
Tell a story
Do a show
Avoid drama
Clash between the context of here, now and the elsewhere of the fiction
Imagining and speculating theatrical possibilities
Possible transitions
Possible scenes
Possible images
Possible dances
I go to the Wooster Groups Website
What can I do with this dance thing once its broken?

How can I put it back together?

I go to Meg Stuart’s website

"Words I am not afraid of when we think about dance: emotions, excess, and narrative. My recent work charts the tension between dance and theatre, thought and action, remembering and forgetting. Scripts are written on our bodies that contain unfinished histories of others and ourselves. I try to expose the social choreographies that we play out daily and the sheer complexity one experiences when meeting another person. My work navigates the moments when language fails and gestures lose their meaning. I am fascinated by communication in all its perversions and through this the process of transformation has replaced distortion as the primary source of expression in my performances.' MEG STUART

I go to Hugo Glendinning’s website and look at beautiful pictures of his son sleeping.

I go To Wendy Houstoun’s website and hope she is doing ok in Edinburgh.

I go to bed.

Saturday after a walk in the rain
We saw a horse in a field with its front legs tied together.
It could only stutter forwards with a hop – like an out of context circus trick.

Liz’s comment comes to mind again – we will always end up with the same aesthetic and form if we work to expose the constructs of the thing we are making as we show it. If we remove the fiction of theatrical staging we seem to end up with

Introducing yourself as you before the event
Microphones
Black
Metal frameworks
Platforms
Trestle tables or something similar
Chairs
Jumble sale clothes
Women with good cheek bones
Exposed light bulbs
Exposed cables
Understated voices
Cardboard signs
Deadpan delivery
Chalk writing
Electrical tape lines on the floor
Apologies

What now then?